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June 17, 2011


Beards > Blogs by Austen Lane

by Austen Lane

Austen Lane wrote his second blog, and decided to compare Beards and Blogs. I don’t know how he did it, but it’s hilarious! AL is known for his humor and sarcasm on his twitter. He develops the “Beard” Big Board and the “Without Beards” Big Board. He also reports about D’Anthony Smith. I’m sure you’ll have a great laugh while reading this blog! 

Thanks everyone for the support so far. What started out as a way to keep my mom from hassling me to get a job in my time of unemployment has now reached a full-scale blog juggernaut that will be posted once a week. (By popular demand)

Team workouts this morning were great. Especially on account of the forest fires around the area that would even make Smokey The Bear want to choke somebody. I think during my fifty-yard sprints, I inhaled equal to thirty camel lights with no filter (Generous guesstimate). It was all made up for when Smoothie King made a surprise visit and offered us complementary protein drinks after our workout. I never felt so humbled in my entire life. To think that it was yesterday, I was downing Capri Suns and Rice Krispy treats like my life depended on it!

Some fans have asked me about D’Anthony Smith and how his injury has healed. I am happy to report that D. Smith is 100% and I quote “excited to get back on the field.” However… With his torn Achilles injury, I assumed that when it healed he would inherit almost superhuman-like abilities, like Cubs ace, Henry Rowengartner got in that documentary “Rookie of the Year.” Wow was I wrong… I called out D’Anthony while we were playing basketball and bet him that he couldn’t dunk. The result? Well I’m not going to embarrass him, but let’s just say it ended with the gym falling to the ground laughing and the ball ending up 40 feet away from the basket. If you see D’Anthony, please tell him that Austen would like his money.

During my weekly Publix visit I had an elderly lady come up to me and tell me that if I shaved my beard I would look “so much more handsome.” I minded my tongue, nodded my head, and avoided the confrontation that I so desperately desired. So if that lady is reading this blog…Ma’am… I am not in the business of being handsome. I am in the business of hitting people and trying to make plays, and in this business, you need power and nastiness. This beard, that I’m growing will display both characteristics and then some! For all of you beard haters out there allow this knowledge, I’m about to drop marinate for a few minutes.

As you can see the “Beard Board” has at least three guaranteed FIRST ROUNDERS. “Without beards” has a first rounder, a second rounder, a potential wife, and a couple of free agents! Long story short: Don’t question the beard.

With week two of “The Larry Hart Mohawk Watch,” there is still no development. Once again, Larry has still not commented about it. EA Sports has reportedly taken his Madden Old Spice Swagger rating down 20 points after learning of his hair, let’s hope he can rebound from that necessary wake-up call!

I want to give congrats to the team that beat LeBron. (I don’t know who it is because all ESPN talks about is LeBron losing.) But congrats, none-the-less. Mark my words… If I see a E:60 special with Rachel Nichols or a Sports’ Science episode showing how LeBron choked in the finals, ESPN will be temporarily banned from my “Top Ten Comcast Lineup!”

7 Comments Post a comment
  1. leftfoot
    Jun 17 2011

    Holy crap dude you’re hilarious! :D Welcome to Jax!

  2. Jun 17 2011

    A-Train…you need help. Best blog by an athlete, period. If you’re have as good on the field as you are at blogging, you’ll be crushing QB’s this year. Can’t wait for the season to start.

    Wondering what’s the best way to ask for your autograph w/o annoying you…trying to get my son (almost 3) a Jags autograph collection, and I have a feeling yours will be a big part of it.

  3. Edward
    Jun 18 2011

    One of the greatest blog posts I’ve ever read. Great to hear that DA Smith is 100%. But with a 35.5 inch vert at 6’2″ the guy should be able to dunk. Wud up with that? lol
    Question for you Austen Lane: Is there anything keeping you guys from inviting/talking potential priority undrafted free agents? If not, how about having a talk with D’Anthony Smith’s old college teammate, Josh Victorian.

  4. Jun 18 2011

    Now that is some funny s$%^!

  5. Rhett
    Jun 18 2011

    Very funny, you’re a natural blogger. Looking forward to the next one.

  6. Jun 20 2011

    Austen, you’ve got some great writing talent. That is great stuff and very funny, but as a big Jaguar fan I hope opposing QBs do not find you funny at all.

  7. Mike Blair
    Jun 20 2011

    Keep it up A-Train, you are hilarious!


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